he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
