Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I need a beard to bite.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
