I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
