Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
