I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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