mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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