Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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