the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
