I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
