I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
