my shit smells like andre
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
