I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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