I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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