You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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