I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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