Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
