i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
