Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
