you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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