I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Randomize
