I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
