I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
