you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
