You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
