My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
