dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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