Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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