I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
