Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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