Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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