Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
