Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
