Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
