I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
