I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
