I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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