I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
