They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
