just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
