the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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