god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize