believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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