it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize