i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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