bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
