Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
