is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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