gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
