Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
