I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
