Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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