Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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