I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
