mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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