This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
