I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
