i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
