I cockslap morals
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
